So my current situation has me thinking about how little we as a society discuss miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss. By opening up about my tough pregnancy and loss of Holley I have had numerous people tell me they have been in my position. Some of these people I consider very close to me and never knowing that they went through this baffles me. I want to tell my story, Holley's story, I want people to ask me questions because you never know who you might help. There is some comfort in knowing you are not alone in this and others have been right where you are. On the other hand it is a little scary to me to find out it's not so rare to lose your child so far along in your pregnancy. After our first miscarriage I thought ok I'll get past 12 weeks and I'll be able to relax because losing your baby after that is unheard of right? Wrong! As I learned with this pregnancy that's not so true. Every time I'm put through something like this I feel like I can't imagine a worse situation. Let me explain what I mean by that...When I went through the first miscarriage I thought that was very difficult. I have lost people very special in my life and yet the pain of losing your child doesn't compare. After that I recovered, somewhat. Experiencing pain like that changes you and of course you never forget. Of course it changed how I viewed pregnancy as well. When I got pregnant again I constantly worried I was going to miscarry again and kept counting down to that 12 week mark. It's almost as if I wouldn't let myself relax and breathe until I knew I was past that. Of course as soon as I convinced myself we were close enough and that our baby was going to be fine that's when we got the news of the cystic hygroma. When the news was delivered to me I felt like I couldn't breathe, I got hot and lightheaded and the room was spinning. I never really knew what it meant when someone says it feels like their heart dropped but that day I understood. It was all I could do to not pass out right there in the doctors office. The pain from our first miscarriage came rushing back and I didn't want to have to face that again. I'm still not sure why God chose to take our baby girl but I can tell you that this pain is all new to me and so much worse than I ever expected. I thought I would be somewhat prepared after everything we knew but the reality is you're never ready. Writing down my thoughts and feelings is hopefully a way that will help me process this pain. "The healing power of even the most microscopic exchange with someone who knows in a flash precisely what you're talking about because she experienced that thing too cannot be overestimated." -Cheryl Strayed
 |
| Holley's hand as she waves goodbye to us. |
